“Death Signed” Brief Explanation

So, yeah…

Death Signed” is about something I’m working through right now. I don’t want to tell any of my friends about it until it’s resolved, but it’s hard to keep this much upset inside.

Make sure to tell your friends/kids: find a person who thinks like you. Find a person who would never threaten you. Find a person who would never threaten with or joke about death. Suicide is serious. Death is serious. If the person you call a friend can’t respect what you call serious, get out and get away. They’re not a true friend and it’s not worth it to struggle, cry, lie, and cover up to please them. Being alone is never bad. It won’t last long. Trust me. But it’s better to be you and alone than to fake yourself and be surrounded by people. Always.

Soldier

Stoic
Tears running down my face
As I march past.
Forcing away emotions.
Alive,
Never living.
Ready to take the bullet
So that someone else can smile.
Biting my tongue,
Biting the bullet,
Biting the dust.
Fighting for others,
Never going to war
To keep what I want.
Giving in
To the sound of the bomb
Soaring above me
To me
At me.
I’m not a very good soldier.

Tears in Life

[Song: Chasing the Sun by The Wanted]

They guide my fears
They watch my tear streaks.
For all our problems,
They always want to blame me.
A scapegoat,
Can’t escape the responsibility.
They never care
As long as they’re not scared, but me.

He doesn’t see others,
He only sees me.
He says that I’m the problem
But never that he hates me.
He claims love,
Yet always discriminates.
The youngest get his love,
The older are too late.

I never wished for much,
But can’t you see me?
Love has always meant so much
To me.
I’ll always love you,
As you can see.
But I don’t think you’re good for me.

I love you, Daddy, but I can’t be near you anymore.

I love you family, but I see that I’ll never truly have your support.

I’ll drift along alone, looking for that special one.

And maybe then I will see the real sun.

Ave Atque Vale.

The Life of Me

I once thought that I was a nomadic/hermit type person. I don’t particularly enjoy human interaction. I hate being around disrespectful people.

But I’ve realized something.

My dad just told me that I can’t go out and hang with my friends or go to dances. I’ve been to one dance. All of this because I made a mistake with scheduling my pick-up from the movies. My dad wants to make me alone because he thinks that I don’t value God enough. Truth: God is the most important figure in my life. More important than my dad. I don’t know if Dad knows this. I hope he does soon because I’m done. I’m getting through high school and college, and then I’m never coming back to my parents. I love them with my whole heart, but I hate neing alone and neither of my parents understand me at all. My mom is better about it, but my dad is just outright inconsiderate. He acts rashly and doesn’t consider the feelings of the other party when making decisions.

So I’ll stay locked up in my room for two years. I won’t leave it. Because this is basically what my dad wanted. He just didn’t realize that. But I’m not going to be his little puppet after that.

I can’t be alone. So I won’t.

Boredom is a disease.
Zaniness is the cure.

Shadowhunter’s Rhyme: Color Scheme

Black for hunting through the night

For death and mourning the color’s white

Gold for a bride in her wedding gown

And red to call enchantment down.

White silk when our bodies burn,

Blue banners when the lost return.

Flame for the birth of a Nephilim,

And to wash away our sins.

Gray for knowledge best untold,

Bone for those who don’t grow old.

Saffron lights the victory march,

Green will mend our broken hearts.

Silver for the demon towers,

And bronze to summon wicked powers.

— Shadowhunter children’s rhyme

87   88

Me

[Song: Because of You by Kelly Clarkson]
When I started trying to write about myself, the song Because of You started playing through my head—loudly. I’ll admit, I’ve seen some things and experienced others that make me hesitant to give myself away—heart, thoughts, or feelings. So I decided to use the song for my next “Different Kind of Poetry” poem.

[Because of Me]
I lose my way
I’ve always been lost
And it’s not too long before you point it out
You find me, mockery in your eyes
I cannot cry
My tears dried up long ago
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I am not strong, yet I still stand tall and proud
I’m forced to fake
I wish reality was a lie
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
I hide my laughter behind fake laughter
My heart can’t possibly break
You shattered my heart beyond breaking
When it wasn’t even whole to start with
It was never yours to break.

Dancing in Cupboards

“Don’t dance darling” my mother said
As I shimmied down the store aisle.
“Write when you’re ready” they said
As they ripped the pen and paper from my hands.
All the energy I put in up until this point.
All the sweat, tears, and blood was for them.
Yet they take me for granted.
I love them all, so I protect them the only way I know how-
I push them away.
Far. Far away from.
From all my hurt and tears.
All my broken cupboards masking my fears and pain.
I give them a smile-a laugh-a fake groan
Pretending that it’s okay,that I’m okay.
But I’m not.
I haven’t been for a while now.
But they, you, don’t notice.
My silence speaks a thousand words,
But my screams speak louder.
I scream behind the cupboards.
Are you watching, listening?

My Personality

-I’m a bookworm. Want to plan my presents for the next fifty years? Buy me two books (preferably romance and fantasy/paranormal/sci-fi) (and maybe a stuffed bear) and a bag of Hershey’s Cookies n’ Cream chocolate bites. That’s it.

-No one has realized this yet, but I’m a party girl. I like parties. No, not for the drinks. Or the food. Or the boys. I go to parties and dances to dance. Pure and simple.

-I’m really mellow. This could be associated with my bad memory, but I doubt it. I just have this sense of calm where I tell myself to just not think.

-I am who I am. How you interperet me is what you get. I won’t explain myself to anyone. Hence the multiple versions of myself.

-I’m not who you think I am. I hate when people make assumptions about who I am and what I’m like without consulting me or hearing my opinion. You think I’m selfish? You’re darn tootin’ I am, but if you ask for some of my beloved, coveted food, I’ll give you some. You think I’m lonely? Lonely people hate when they’re alone. I find it peaceful I just have a fear of being completely alone and death. They’re strong.

-I’m a contradictory mess. Some would say an oximoron. Others would say a paradox. I say it’s a lack of sleep and stunted emotional growth.

-I’m dark yet cheerful. It shows in my writing. I’m most neutral in stories because it’s not about me- it’s about the characters and my future readers.

-I hate awkward moments and fights. Some could say I’m passive. Haha, believe whatever you want, darling. Just wait until you try to touch my food….

Madness

Being mad.
It’s not craziness
Not insanity.
It’s the hibernating monster inside if each of us
Breaking out for one split second,
One moment,
One day.
It gets harder and harder to be contained,
This monster devouring my soul,
Leaving me empty.
The source of my depression-
My sanity-
My pain and comfort.

Staring at the yellow toy car
The me from another time thinks:
“I want that”
The madness claws at my throat
Pushing the angel to do the devil’s working
Pushing me to get. That. Car.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I sing about it
Talk about it
Think about it
Dream about it.
But you wouldn’t know
Because you no longer listen.

Madness-
My blanket.

Good Future/Beautiful